Funny Stuff For and About Cats


I am very fortunate to have a great number of friends
who are cat-people, just like me, and love to share a good story
either about their own cats, or stories that have been sent to them.
This is where these following articles are from, and I want to
share them with you. Enjoy!!!!

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They
say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special
enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new,
improved Wisk ... dislodging the dirt where it hides and
whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this
folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount
all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in
the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the
throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to
the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty
on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house,
as it has in mine, I have some advice you might
consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:
--- Know that although the cat has the advantage
of quickness and lack of concern for human life,
you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on
that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe
him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick
a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and
close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat
can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than
a politician can shift positions.
--- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove
all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you
are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I
recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction
boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
--- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out
for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak
jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo
is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached,
even if you are lying on your back in the water.
--- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not
usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no
interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)
--- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the
tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the
water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest 45 seconds of your life.
--- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy
fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to
hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time.
When you have him, however, you must remember to give him
another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off.
(The national record for cats is three latherings,
so don't expect too much.)
--- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are
worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.
In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just
been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently
affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with
your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however,
the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose
and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is
drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down
and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be
removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for
about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his
back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop
the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to
assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he
is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure
you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But
at least now he smells a lot better.




Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

** DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

** CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up
on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as
the human's bare foot.

** BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

** HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This
is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following
are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking,
sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen
and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close
under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie
across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork,
lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap
the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract
you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what
the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly
activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual
activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on
the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a
human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

** WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when
they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

** BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot
move around.

** PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough
sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.
Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play.
It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times.
If you should have an accident during play, such as falling
off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to
say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

** CAT GAMES: "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you
believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and
hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to
be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no
cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that
only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for
you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one
other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping
humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from
the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the
development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable
playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either of these
games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and
possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should
buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens
to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of
King of the Hill.

** TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries
to confiscate it this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it
under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you
and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can
steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops
and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright
shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden
so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They
are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords,
gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They
are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor
for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper
or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and
should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are
sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.

** PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are
small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they
are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises
they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and
including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note:
any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is
fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

** FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper,
a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The
other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain
food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must
be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are
guidelines for getting fed. a) When the humans are eating,
make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when
they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl if
you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own
water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only
polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food
will usually not be so polite and try to leave. e) Table
scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat
to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs
will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans
don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to:
jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly;
lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the
kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs
as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

** SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough
energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is
generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up.
Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it
contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near
a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course,
good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages
of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous
weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

** SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any
scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective
of what they think is their property and will object strongly
if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky
and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are
very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good.
Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

** HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us,
to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter
box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around
humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the
house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught
if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a
smooth-running household.




News Report


It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis
was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would
shed light on the question, "Where did pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with
me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here
and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when
you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal
was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam
said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think
of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will
be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and Eve
and loved them. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with
pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and believes he is
worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,
but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said,"No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.
The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will
know he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam.
And CAT would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into CAT's eyes, he was reminded that
he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And CAT did not care one way or the other.




One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven and
meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived
a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have
lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful
fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident
and go to Heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with
the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have
had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are
tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so
we don't have to run any more?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with a
beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds
him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and
asks him, "How are things since you have been here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on
Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!





10 Reasons to Think the Cat Knows
Your Internet Access Code

1. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

2. Traces of kitty litter are on your keyboard.

3. You find you've subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

4. Your web browser has a new home page at http:/www.feline.com/.

5. Your mouse has teeth marks in it, and a strange aroma of tuna.

6. Hate mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

7. Your ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

8. You keep finding new software around your house like "CatinTax," and "WarCat II."

9. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

10. You find little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratchingpost.




Why Cats Are Better Than Men...

1. A cat always hits the litterbox.

2. Better chance of training a cat.

3. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

4. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

5. You can de-claw a cat...Try to get a guy to trim his toenails.

6. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

7. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

8. A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.




This "funny" came from
Fluffy. Drop by her site and thank her personally!!!!

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

by Peggy Althoff


1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your
elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo
confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws
down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right
arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from
bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat
firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down
on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring
your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the
pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you
won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have
a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly,
"Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel.
Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
(Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for
no man - or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head.
Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of
a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.




I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are
independent, they don't listen, they don't come in
when you call, they like to stay out all night, and
when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man,
they love in a cat.


-- Jay Leno



~~ Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners ~~

The following is from my dear friend, Angela from Germany

  • Cats do not emit hairballs......they are floor/rug redecorators.
  • Cats do not break things......they help gravity do its job.
  • Cats do not fear dogs......the dogs are merely "Sprint practice tools".
  • Cats do not gobble their food......they just eat with alacrity.
  • Cats do not scratch things......they are furniture/rug/skin ventilators.
  • Cats don't yowl......they just sing a bit off key.
  • Cats are not shedding machines......they are "hair relocation specialists."
  • Cats are not treat-seeking missiles......they just enjoy the proximity of food.
  • Cats are not bed hogs......they are just mattress appreciative.
  • Cats are not ruthless hunters......they are wildlife control experts.
  • Cats are never fat......just "mass enhanced".
  • Cats are not lazy......just motivationally challenged.



    The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

    A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
    love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and
    take good care of me... They must be gods!

    A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
    provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good
    care of me... I must be a god!



    More Cat Stories







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